


finally.

by Tired_And_Lazy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Crying, Enjoy!, First Kiss, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Grief/Mourning, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt No Comfort, Kissing, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, Other, Pining, War, armin alert yummy yummy god I love him, hate gabi 2021, not the best writing but guys pls I tried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:55:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29930307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tired_And_Lazy/pseuds/Tired_And_Lazy
Summary: the tears started flowing down your cheeks when you realized this would be the first and last time you would ever hold him like this. finally. finally after all the waiting and all the longing you were able to hold him like this. you didn't want this to be the last time.
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Reader, Armin Arlert/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	finally.

**Author's Note:**

> \- as the world caves in by m. maltese  
> \- i don’t know you by t. marias  
> \- diet mountain dew by l. del rey  
> \- too close by s. chloe

Armin Arlert.

His name felt so perfect on your tongue. Every syllable was a warm tune. The man himself being the song you wanted to listen to at every waking moment. 

Very little people were like him. The only two people you could really compare him to would be Erwin Smith and Hange Zoë. Even then, neither of them had what made Armin Arlert so special to you. Nobody quite shined like he did. He was so intelligent, so gentle, so sweet, yet so soft-spoken. Of course, Armin did speak up at times, but his words were never harsh. Just enlightening.

Yes, enlightening. Maybe that's what drew you to him? Hange spoke factually, you could always trust their knowledge for there wasn't anything they hadn't craved to know. Erwin was inspirational. The man was charismatic. You found yourself pledging to his cause, to his dreams and his hopes, even if you knew that you would never be alive to see those goals achieved. But Armin spoke of something you've never heard of.

Armin spoke of the ocean.

He spoke of something so bizarre, that you stopped and listened to him speak that day. He talked about a body of water so huge, that it covered more of the planet than the land that you walked on. That the water was salty, not tasteless. That there were creatures other than horses and livestock, creatures that people didn't even know existed. He said it was all beyond the walls, and it was really that day when you realized that there could be more to life than just living in fear of titans. For if there was water, and if there was life, there were humans.

You wanted to tell Armin of your thoughts, but when you went to touch his shoulder that day, he had turned around.

And suddenly, it felt like you couldn't breathe.

Blue. A curious, questioning blue that you had so suddenly and so hopelessly fallen for that day. It reminded you of the water, a chilling liquid you can only remember too well.

You’ve only had to swim twice in your entire life. Once was when the wall of your restroom had cracked, and the two of you had to secretly bathe in the river at night. The water was cold and harsh on your soft skin, and to top it off, you didn't know how to swim. At the ripe age of five, in the small stream of water, your mother taught you how to fight against currents that could one day sweep you away.

The second time you had to swim was the day you lost your mother.

Titans had breached your walls, and in a desperate attempt to get you on board to a ship, your mother threw you into the water. You had coughed and screamed in shock at the sudden cold feeling, arms and legs flailing. You remember looking to your mother in the midst of the panic, eyes wide with fear as you searched for an answer. She didn't do anything else that other people would have noticed. But you remember her face, and you remember how she was both a soldier and an angel that day. 

She clenched her teeth, looking you dead in the eyes. A boulder landed a few feet behind her and she flinched, turning behind her to see people running from the scene like rats. She seemed to have made her mind up about something, simply looking down at the hands that rested on the apron of her dress before clenching her fists around the white fabric. The two of you had been making breakfast just before. You wondered if she still smelled like scrambled eggs and fresh picked greens, even with all the blood that stained the dust clouds red. She gritted her teeth, and you swore you saw her eyes glisten before she screamed at you.

"SWIM [ YOUR NAME ]! SWIM!"

She turned on the heel of her slim brown flats and raced into the crowds. You tried desperately to scream for her that day, but the cold water made its way into your throat before you could. You hacked and coughed and turned back to the ships, where two men were screaming at you to hurry and grab on as they extended their hands. You had swam as hard as you could, just like that day when you were five. You tried looking for your mother afterwards, trembling and shivering like a leaf as a woman you didn't know did her best to wrap you up in a blanket. You were so confused back then. And you still were. Why did she run?

Did she not want to watch her child lose their mother?

Or did she not want to see herself lose her child?

That day, you had paused because Armin's eyes momentarily reminded you of those traumatizing waters. You realized, however, that Armin's eyes were different. The water back then was a dark blue, a blue that turned black the longer you looked into its depths. Armin's eyes were a lighter blue. A blue that didn't seem endless. Rather, the longer you looked into his eyes, the more you saw the soft, warm depths of them. He didn't wish to hurt anybody, he just wanted to see the ocean.  
You realized that you wanted to watch Armin Arlert discover the ocean he dreamt so much of.

. . . 

“[ Your Name ] [ Last Name ].”

You had never turned your head so quickly before, the soft sound of his voice settling on your ears like a butterfly on a flower. Your eyes widened as you were indeed correct, for Armin Arlert stood, looking down at your seated figure. The heat that burned your cheeks embarrassed you, and you desperately tried to control the warmth as discreetly as possible. Armin took notice though, tilting his head with a small amused smile. Curse those, gorgeous, observant eyes of his. 

“Yes?” Thankfully, your voice came out even as you answered to your given name. While you were able to quell the red on your cheeks, you weren’t able to stop your heart from beating as quick as it was. It felt loud enough for the whole cafeteria to hear, and you prayed that you were the only one forced to listen to the tell-tale sign of your growing affections. 

“You had told me to come talk to you during dinner yesterday?” He questioned, looking more and more unsure the longer you had stared at him. It took a bit to finally process before your eyes shined in realization. Yes, after the embarrassing moment where you froze up trying to speak to the blonde, you had asked him to meet you here today at this very moment. You nodded, eating a few more spoonfuls of soup and tossing your unfinished bread to Sasha (who happily caught the carbs in her mouth with a muffled ‘thank you!’). 

Finally standing up, you took a moment to observe Armin’s patient yet curious expression. A small smile made its way onto your lips because of that. “I’ll lead the way,” you informed him, making your way towards the door to the cafeteria with Armin trailing behind you. If anybody had been thinking anything, none of them said anything. It was a strange sight to see two people with no past history walk together. But to you, having Armin with you felt right.

You led him to the trail Sasha had to run around towards the beginning of camp, deciding that a bit of a late night stroll wouldn’t hurt as the two of you talked. You turned to him, about to open your mouth before you felt your breath hitch once more. Armin had looked up to the sky, staring at the twinkling stars that emerged from the clear night sky. Yet, as he admired the stars in the sky, you had taken the role of admiring the stars that reflected in his eyes. You were struck with deja vu, yet quickly averted your gaze before you could get caught being creepier than necessary. 

“I want you to tell me something,” you started off, looking back over to the boy after making sure you had finally gained your composer. He looked over to you, “Go on.” You sighed, deciding to look up to the stars this time. The sky was awfully pretty, even if you only saw the stars tied to the walls. You glanced over at Armin who still looked at you expectantly.

Was Armin a star? Tied to the sky?

Or was he like Eren? In search of freedom. In search of revenge. 

“What will you do once you see the ocean?” You finally asked, looking over at him with a tilt of your head. He paused in his walking, looking at you with wide eyes. You stopped a few steps ahead of him, observing him in mild confusion as he formulated an answer to your question. Was your question truly that shocking? Sure other people have asked this before?

The thing is, Armin had been asked very similar questions before, but one small difference made your words stick out from the rest. You asked him what he’d do once he saw the ocean. When all his life, he’d been asked what he’d do if he saw the ocean. You spoke as if you were sure he’d make it there. After years of people telling him his dream was unrealistic, that there was no such thing as the ocean, someone had faith in his belief. Those small, insignificant words you chose to speak that day were what drove Armin to see you in a new light. 

From now on, you weren’t just [ Your Name ] [ Last Name ] to him. You were someone who believed in him. Someone just as curious in what the ocean had to offer, no- what the land beyond the walls had to offer. 

You were still waiting for his response, he remembered. He closed his mouth, realizing that it had been open this whole time, mouth forming an ‘o’ of shock. He looked over to the woods that lie nearby, a thoughtful look on his face as he pondered. When he finally turned to look at you, he froze after taking a moment to look at your expression.

Why were you looking at him like that? As if hearing him speak was the one thing you wanted most from him. The blonde boy found himself growing a bit more shy. Had he just been imagining things? Was the spark in your eyes really admiration? Maybe it was just the reflection of the North Star in your eyes, but something deep inside him told him that maybe he was cared for just a bit more than he thought he was.

He cleared his throat, letting a bashful chuckle escape his lips as he scratched his cheek. “If I’m being honest with you, I don’t really know what I’ll do once I see the ocean,” he stated simply. Your eyes widened. After all this time he still hadn’t figured out what he’d do? Armin read your expression, pursing his lips and looking back to the ground as the two of you resumed your walking.

He opened his mouth, preparing to talk before he elaborated on his answer. “I don’t know if I’ll cry when I do. Maybe I’ll laugh, or maybe I’ll just be in too much shock to process anything,” another small laugh slipped from his lips. He paused before his expression turned a bit more somber, casting a glance over to the side where everyone from the cafeteria slowly started to trickle out.

“Actually, I don’t even know if I’ll be alive to see the ocean,” he admitted darkly, earning a sharp gasp from you as you realized what he was implying. You narrowed your eyes, walking a bit ahead in order to stop in front of the blonde boy. Armin looked at you in surprise, not expecting your actions as he steadied to a halt as well.

“You will live to see the ocean,” you declared firmly, your tone surprising the both of you. You felt your cheeks get warm as Armin simply stared at you in bewilderment. You forced yourself to steady your resolve, clenching your fists. No, you couldn’t back down from this. You were already speaking, so why couldn’t you just speak your truth without fear for once? 

You took a deep breath before locking your [ eye color ] gaze with his ocean blue. “I don’t care if I have to ward off tens of thousands of titans, I don’t even care if I have to clean with Captain Levi everyday for the rest of my life, I will make sure that you get to see the ocean,” you confessed. You had never felt so passionately about something before. You only joined the survey corps for a sick sense of fulfillment after watching your mother throw away her life for yours. If you were just going to die anyways, you would rather live fighting for people like your mother. That’s what you had believed.

But maybe it was something in the pure innocence in Armin’s wish that made you act so impulsively. All he wanted was to see the ocean, to see the thing his grandfather’s book talked about, to see the thing people didn’t even believe in. He didn’t want to see the ocean so he could overrule it and use it to his own personal benefit, he just wanted the knowledge. Knowledge that yes, there was an ocean that went on for miles and miles. That yes, he was right when all of the others were wrong, including his very own best friend.

That sort of thing inspired you, gave you the feeling of admiration that was so hard to feel after you lost your biggest role model in life. Whatever it was, it made you so passionate that you had to take a deep breath after your outburst. Once you calmed your breathing down, your face burned at the sudden realization of how crazy must have seemed, shouting like that. Yet when you looked back at the boy, you were surprised to see nothing but warmth within your favorite shade of blue. 

He looked down at his hands with his fingers wrung together, looking down in what you saw was an act of seriousness. When in reality it was just Armin doing whatever he could to hide the burning in his own cheeks. Your sudden devotion to his wish to see the ocean, as well as the raw emotion in your voice was just a little too much for the inexperienced boy. The only girl he really hung out with was Mikasa, and even then she didn’t show many emotions other than concern when him and Eren got hurt or in trouble. 

“I appreciate it, [ Your Name ], I really do,” Armin spoke in a voice so soft you would’ve mistaken it for a whisper if you weren’t so close to him. “But if I must ask, w-why do you want me to see the ocean so badly?” He asked, fingers tightening around each other. He honestly didn’t know what to expect from you, what kind of answer he’d receive from you. Armin looked back at you, watching your expression as the gears turned in your head.

You had paused at the question, staring right back at Armin for a few moments before smiling. “Your eyes are the color I imagine the ocean to be,” you admitted, earning a shocked and flustered look from the boy standing in front of you. You looked away and cleared your throat, feeling yourself burn up once more, something you found was common whenever you were around the boy. You looked back at him as you finished your answer.

“I just want to watch the ocean reflect in your eyes, if that’s alright with you,” your words drifted off with a nervous laugh. It went silent for a few moments before Armin finally smiled at you in return. It amazed you just how infatuated you were with him. Just the sight of his flushed face, his smile, the twinkle in his eyes, it all caused your racing heart to skip a beat. 

“Yes, I’d like that.”

. . . 

It was gorgeous.

You looked down at the water in your hands, staring at your own teary eyed reflection as salt water dripped out of the cracks in your fingers. This is it. The thing you had fought so hard for. You had seen so many deaths. So, so, so much blood had been spilled just for you and your comrades to make it this far. You were all so close. You made it to the ocean. 

You had finally made it to the ocean.

You looked to the clear blue waters, eyes widening as you stared at three precious figures standing in the middle of the gentle waves. Freckles, blonde hair, and a horrendous bowl cut. Your mouth fell open, the water falling from your palms as your hands dropped to your side in disbelief.

Marco. Erwin. Even Marlo.

“What are you three doing here?” You whispered, vision blurred by the tears that steadily began to cascade down your cheeks. The laughs of Sasha, Connie, and Jean fell to deaf ears the more you stared off at them. Your fingers twitched, you wanted to be with them. Your treasured friend, your respected commander, your adorable rookie. 

Before you even registered what you were doing, you began to run. You couldn’t see clearly at this point, everything was a jumbled mess of colors and blue. But it didn’t matter, because you could see them there. You missed them. You wanted to apologize.

You wanted to beg for Marco’s forgiveness, for not being there the one day he needed you the most. You were one of the last ones to see him. You, Jean, and Marco had been talking that day. You joked that if you three didn’t come back, you loved the both of them.

You remember that day. The way the titan’s didn’t even leave his whole body intact. He didn’t even have his gear on. He must have been so afraid. So afraid. So betrayed. Yet, he was forced to fight man’s greatest fear all alone that day. After spending so much time with - - he was forced to lose a battle he could have had a chance at winning.

You never realized how quickly you could get attached to a person until that day. Sure, you had to deal with your mother’s death, but it was different. Marco was so so young. He was so bright, so beautiful, even Jean could see his best friend was such a beautiful person.

Yet when Jean stood, casting a shadow over a sobbing you and a half eaten Marco-

He was just so cold, you remember. Like he had never been a boy filled with warmth.

Marlo was probably just as young as Marco. Maybe it was the similarities in their names that drew you to the poor boy. Or maybe it was just the way that he couldn’t even realize just how much his best friend really cared about him. Perhaps it was just the way he was pure, a truly good person.

The reminder made a new wave of tears roll from your eyes. Such good kids. Dead.

You teased him relentlessly when he came in. It was always so amusing to you. He would flush just like any other teenage boy, but he was just so awkward about it you couldn’t help but prey on the poor boy even more. 

Even he had no choice but to fight a losing battle.

You bit your lip harshly. Marlo didn’t look scared that day. If anything, he looked pumped. Ready to risk his life, risk it all just for the sake of humanity. You let go just as soon as your teeth were about to tear through the chapped flesh. But you were sure he died terrified. He was just a boy, afterall.

Maybe he died thinking of that sweetheart that so obviously cared for him more than what she let on. You almost smiled at the thought. It must have been horrible for her. To hear that the person she begged not to join the Survey Corps, joined and died in a suicide mission of all things.

Your eyes drifted over to the man who made this horrible fate possible in the first place.

You sighed softly. What a horrible, horrible man Erwin Smith was. To think that he could lead so many soldiers to their death. He even convinced you to fight for an unthinkable cause when you first joined as well.

Still, you didn’t fight the bitter chuckle that left you.

Yes, Erwin Smith was a devil. A devil, just as much as he was your greatest idol. He was charming, smart, calculating, and greedy. All the traits that made a great leader, you realized early on. He inspired almost everyone who listened to him. Especially soldiers who needed something to fight for.

You were one of them. A soldier that was willing to follow Erwin Smith. You hated the thought of devoting yourself to anyone that wasn’t Armin, but Erwin had led you into so much bloodshed, following his words just felt like second nature.

Maybe that’s why you both pitied and respected Levi more than any other person on the planet. You had stuck so close to Armin, that when you saw that red headed soldier emerge with a partially dead Erwin on his back, your heart dropped. You hated to admit it, but it was one of the few days where you stayed silent in the midst of the war.

You were always screaming, yelling, telling someone off, or giving a motivational speech to someone that would soon die. Erwin Smith was your idol, of course you had grown to mimic his addictive way of speech. But Armin, Armin had been blessed with intelligence not even Erwin possessed.

Eren looked at you for support on that day, and you had stayed silent. It was mortifying. To think, you’d have to choose between the only two people you had devoted yourself to. Yet, as strong as you were, you couldn’t make a choice that day. And as a result of your obvious hesitation, there was a distance between the two of you, not that it had been small in the first place.

But it didn’t matter. Levi made the decision, and Armin was gifted with the curse of the Colossal Titan. You had requested a moment to yourself. You couldn’t bear to hear Bertholdt’s cries and pleas. You cared too much for people who were destined to die.

“It was nice to see you,” you whispered once more, climbing out of those traumatizing memories. You decided to write this moment down in your heart: Marco’s radiant smile, Marlo’s flustered cough, Erwin’s somber nod. You’d remember it all.

And when you blinked, they were gone.

You sucked in a sudden breath, a wave had crashed against your scarred legs. You looked down to realize that you were knee deep in cold, foreign water. You didn’t panic, however, you already knew how cold the water could be. You knew it all too well.

“Oi! What the hell are you doing over there?!” You turned your head at the sound of Jean’s voice, observing the way his posture was still as sassy ever as he stood with a hand placed on his hip. You smiled fondly as he screamed in shock soon after, Sasha having slapped him with a green plant Hange had found in the waters. You hoped they never changed. 

“[ Your Name ].”

Ah that voice. 

Your head turned automatically, any attention that may have been on Jean and the others was immediately directed towards the voice you loved so much. Your heart might’ve skipped a beat or ten once you realized the situation. Eyes widened, a flush settled over your face.

When had he gotten so close?

It still never ceased to amaze you how beautiful Armin was even after all this time. Even though there was only one Sun, something seemed different about the way Armin looked in this light. Maybe it was the fact that you all were no longer trapped in the walls, that you people were finally closer to freedom.

Armin wasn’t looking at you, instead, he was looking at something that was cradled delicately in his palms. You glanced down, eyes twinkling in curiosity as you delicately reached out to prod the foregin object. A light hiss escaped you as you poked a specifically sharp edge. 

The blonde boy gasped, transferring the thing into one hand as the other one reached out to grab your finger. You never flinched away from Armin’s touch, instead you always welcomed the warm feeling. Smiling, you watched Armin try to look for any breakage in the skin. 

“It’s nothing, it just hurts a bit,” you reassured. He looked back at you, brows furrowed. “Be careful next time, what if it turned out to be poisonous?” He scolded, causing you to laugh at the absurdity. “Well then, what would’ve happened to you?” You glanced over at your attacker, still held delicately in Armin’s palm.

The blonde physically froze, a soft pink hue settling over his cheeks as the embarrassment settled in. “Well-uh, obviously that’s different,” he insisted, causing you to burst into another fit of laughs at the boy’s flustered expression. You calmed yourself down, finishing into a few chuckles as Armin still stood silent.

You looked back over to him after you realized he had stopped talking, confusion setting in. What? Had you teased him too much? Why wasn’t he saying anything? And when you finally made eye contact, it was your turn to freeze.

Warmth. He was looking at you with so much warmth right now, it was enough to make the world crumble around you. Right now it just felt like you and him.

“Your laugh has always been one of my favorite sounds,” he spoke fondly. He decided to return his gaze back down to the object you pricked your finger on. It took a few seconds before he was looking back over at you with a closed eyed smile. 

“Thank you. For everything. I don’t think I would’ve ever been able to make it here without everyone, but especially without you,” he confessed. All those times where it seemed like the world was going to end, you were there with him. When Eren was swallowed by a titan, even if you didn’t know the situation when you first got there, your main priority was to comfort him. Not that long ago, Armin had come up with the idea of looking for Reiner and Bertholdt within the walls, and when people became skeptical, you wasted no time in yelling at cadets you didn’t even know. 

It was nice to have someone supporting him. Mikasa Ackerman was a genius soldier and cadet, Eren Yeager was humanity’s weapon, but you were just [ Your Name ] [ Last Name ]. You were the girl that pledged to see his wish come true. And for that, you were special to him. 

You swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat at his heartfelt words. You couldn’t even find yourself able to look away. The atmosphere felt so heavy, but even with all the weight, you only felt light when Armin looked at you like that.

Was, was this it? It seemed too perfect to pass by. You couldn’t let this opportunity slip past your fingers, not when your heart was pounding so dangerously. 

You took a deep breath, steeling your nerves before taking a small step forward towards the boy. Your hand started to grip the spot where your heart was without you even noticed, and you opened your mouth.

“Armin, I-”

“Armin.”

Sadly, it seems that Eren decided that now was the perfect time to speak as well. The world around you slowly began to rebuild itself, and you couldn’t help but listen along with Armin and Mikasa. The three of you looked over to where Eren stood, pointing into the abyss that lay past the ocean.

"On the other side of the wall, is the ocean. And on the other side of the ocean, is freedom. We believed that for so long... But it's not true. What's waiting for us on the other side of the ocean is the enemy. Everything is as I saw it in my father's memories... right? So if we kill the enemy, the one waiting for us on the other side, will we... finally be free?" He asked, never even bothering to look at you three as he spoke.

You’d never forget that day. The way that all the happiness and warmth slowly drained from Armin’s eyes. This was Armin’s day. Armin had been looking forward to this day ever since he got that book from his grandfather, you had been looking forward to this day since you pledged yourself to his dream. 

The small object landed with a small ‘thunk’ as it fell from Armin’s hands, your gaze following it. 

You still didn’t forgive Eren. 

. . .

“Please make sure you come back alive,” you breathed, watching as Armin prepared to leave the blimp. He paused, looking back at you in surprise before giving you a small smile. “I’ll come back,” he stated simply before his figure left your sight.

Your shoulders sagged at the implication that he might not come back alive. That he might not come back to you. 

It’s been years since Armin finally got to live his dream, and he grew up even more handsome than he already was. His jawline grew more defined, although it was still wasn’t harsh enough to cut you. He cut his hair into a more mature hairstyle, blonde tresses no longer falling in front of his forehead like they used to.

But the most heartbreaking change in Armin was his eyes.

His eyes used to shimmer like the ocean, they used to be bright like the summer sky. Now, they’ve lost their glimmer. No longer would he smile like he used to. The thoughts of new discovery didn’t seem to excite him like they would. Sometimes, it felt like he was just the empty shell of the man you love.

But it never shook your loyalty. You’ve come to terms with your feelings, and you wouldn’t leave Armin. Only death would be able to pry you from the grasp that the blonde unknowingly had on your heart. 

Still, it made you ache to see Armin so unhappy. His happiness was everything to you, and it felt like no matter how you tried, things wouldn’t be the same. Those times where you’d sit with him after the sun had been laid to rest, documents and books littered over a library desk where times you kept dear to you. He looked gorgeous in the candlelight, and the chuckles he’d let slip after a witty remark you’d made were all you needed in this world.

In the times you had to yourself, when your thoughts weren’t tilted towards war, or if Sasha was stealing food from the kitchen again, or if Armin was still bent over documents in the smallest handwriting you’ve seen, your thoughts would drift towards Eren.

A scowl crawled its way onto your face at the simple thought. Eren. Part of the reason everybody was half as miserable as they were now. The whole reason Armin had just went to blow up a port of unsuspecting people. The whole reason children were screaming and mothers were crying for their deceased families. You hated him.

You were rushing into a war that shouldn’t have happened this way, even if you were never going to avoid it. You clenched your fists, sighing before letting your expression slip back into the calm. You turned to face the front of the blimp, looking over at where Hange operated the flying invention. 

“It’s getting kind of sad, the way you look at him,” your commander hummed, gaze looking over their shoulder and pointed at you. You stiffened up at their words, refusing to make eye contact as you huffed and walked over. “It’s not like I can just suddenly confess to him. We’re in war, and he isn’t happy,” you huffed. 

“If not now then when? What happens if Armin doesn’t come back from that port, [ Your Name ]?” They asked darkly, causing you to flinch. You pursed your lips at the harsh words, choosing instead to look at the scenery around. You didn’t look for long though, for the sight of so many dead still made you sick to your stomach. 

“He,” you paused, doing your best to choose your words carefully, “he doesn’t need me.” You sighed and ran a hand through your hair. “He doesn’t need to deal with my feelings on top of his, I don’t want to harm him like that,” you explained. Hange was someone you trusted, both as your commander and your role model. You didn’t mind spilling your guts to them, but you weren’t so sure if they’d keep silent now that you thought about it-

“It isn’t up to you to decide what he needs, [ Your Name ],” they huffed, turning back to face the front of the blimp. You froze. And the more you thought about it, the more your gut twisted. This entire time, by keeping quiet, were you really just being selfish? The whole point was to make sure that Armin didn’t feel burdened, but was it really just because you were scared of rejection?

You gulped at the thought. Rejection. 

You’ve been beside Armin for so long that the sudden thought of ruining that dynamic terrified you. What would happen if he saw you as just a close friend? Obviously he’d keep his distance, and like a good person, he’d do it thinking that being close to him would just end up hurting you. And although he would be correct, being away from him would hurt so much more. 

You didn’t notice the slight tremble in your hands until you clasped them together in an attempt to regain your composure. You inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to rid yourself of the thoughts that threatened to fester in your mind. You were at war, there was no time to let your hormones control your fears and your tears. 

At that moment, the sky behind you flashed a blinding yellow. You let a gasp of surprise escape you before your shoulders relaxed at the realization that it was just Armin. Still, your gaze lingered on the spot where he was standing just a few minutes ago. You prayed he came back in one piece- No, you prayed that he came back alive. 

Hange caught your eye as you detached your gaze from the floor, surprising you a bit. They looked at you with a knowing look before sighing and turning their attention back to the controls. “Whatever you do-”

“Don’t let him slip through your fingers if you love him so much, cadet.”

. . . 

Everyone was so happy.

Everyone was laughing and cheering. Floch was leading the party, a bright smile on his face as joyous cadets gathered around him. You were just talking to Sasha about Niccolo, how everything was going with him even if she didn’t quite understand your implications. Even Jean was smiling, what was there not to smile about? You guys won, you had one yet another war.

You would get to see Armin for another day.

So why was there such a loud and painful ringing in your ears? Why was everyone frozen as they looked over at Sasha. Why did Sasha look so shocked?

Jean looked horrified once you caught his eye, and you glanced behind you to see the dark hole of a gun barrel staring right at you. Or rather pointed at your stomach. Your body froze, the pain jolting up your spine and causing you to collapse all at once.

You caught yourself with your hands, staring at the ground as all the yelling and screaming around you blurred. You guided a shaky hand to your stomach, gulping at the sickening squelch that greeted you. The clothing around your wound was sopping, desperately trying to soak up all the blood that was escaping your body. 

“Gabi!”

Your gaze landed on two kids, surrounded by your fellow cadets. You registered one of them as the one who shot you, eyes widening as you realized that she was just a kid. They were kicking and harassing a child, the child who shot you. You reached out a hand, “Wai-”

You coughed up blood as you tried calling out to the others, crumpling back onto the ground. 

“ [ Your Name ]!”

“ [ Your Name ]! Look at me!”

Sasha and Connie made their way into your vision, and their panicked looks did nothing to quell the growing fear in your veins. What was wrong? Couldn’t they just wrap you up in bandages? What was taking them so long? You didn’t have the time-!

Your breathing started to pick up and tears started to well up in your eyes. Sasha’s eyes widened before she delicately cupped your cheeks, shushing you as she wiped your tears away with her thumbs. “Hey, look at me, we’re gonna get you help, ok? You’re not gonna die, you’ll be fine,” she soothed, calming your nerves as your heart shakily tried to pump less blood.

Your mind was growing dizzy, and Sasha went blurry. You gripped her hands, trying to steady yourself as you realized that you were bleeding. You were bleeding too much.

You gulped in fear, eyes searching for someone, searching for the person you wanted to say goodbye to before you left. Sasha noticed, quickly snapping her head towards your buzz-cutted friend. “Go get Armin,” she demanded.

Connie gave you one more look before springing to his feet and running to where you assumed Armin was. He was talking to that traitor, the one who ruined his life. The traitor that was the cause of your life slipping from you right now.

“Hey, [ Your Name ], look at me, how old are you?” Sasha asked hurriedly, eyes frantically searching your eyes for something you didn’t know. Maybe she was searching for the light in your eyes, even as it quickly started to fade. You sighed, body growing more and more tired as time went by.

“It’s not like you to be so serious, Sasha,” you smiled somberly. Sasha looked at you in what you could only assume to be horror before she collected herself. “Well, we’re in a bit of a serious situation,” she chuckled, a stray tear slipping out of her eye and down her cheek as the smile on her face crumpled. 

“C’mon, Sasha. You’re too pretty to have frown lines. You gotta make sure you go back to that handsome chef of yours with a smile,” you teased, ignoring the feeling of blood trickling down your stomach. Sasha couldn’t even find it in herself to blush at your remark as she held onto your hands tighter. Your grip on hers had begun to loosen, the strength in your body leaving quickly. You didn’t know how much longer you’d be able to speak full sentences. 

Your ears barely registered the sound of a door slamming open before your eyes stopped working for a minute. Everything blurred, and when you blinked your eyes back open, Armin was the one kneeling and holding onto your hands. You lazily glanced at both of your hands. You could barely even register the pain as he held you in a knuckle-whitening grip.

“Hi, Armin,” you hummed, smiling up at the blonde boy from your position. Armin didn’t return your greeting, gritting his teeth and furrowing his brows as he kneeled down to your level. You leaned in on instinct, wanting to hear every last word that came from his mouth. Wanted the song of voice to be the last one you’d ever hear. 

“What did they do to you, [ Your Name ]?” He whispered. 

Your smile shattered at the broken sound of his voice, and you looked down at the gaping hole in your stomach. A silence settled over the two of you before you looked back up at him with a glazed over look in your eyes. “I waited for you,” you sighed.

He froze. You took his silence as a means to continue. 

“I’ve been waiting for you ever since we first met,” you added. “I waited for the day I would finally see your dreams come true. And after that, I waited for the day where I would die next to you,” you confessed. A pained chuckle escaped you after that, “Only, I thought I’d have to wait longer for that second one to happen.”

Armin lowered his head, hair covering his eyes from your view as he loosened up his grip on you, probably realizing that whatever blood circulation you still had left was being cut off. You heard a small sniffle and realized that he was crying. Crying because of you. 

“Armin wait- It’s fine, I’m going to be fine, alright? We’ll just tie up my wound and do some fancy blood transfusion Hanji was talking about! And then I can just go to sleep and in the morning we can drink coffee-” You didn’t realize your breathing grew erratic as you painted out a scene that would never happen. 

Armin took notice, and your painful delusions died down in your throat as he looked at you with so much pain it hurt more than the fatal wound you possessed. 

“You know that’s not going to happen, darling,” he whispered, placing his forehead to rest on the back of your hand. Your throat clogged up at the endearing nickname, your brain stopping its function momentarily as it struggled to work. He looked back up at you, eyes glistening with despair instead of joy. 

“You’re not going to wake up if you go to sleep, [ Your Name ],” he whispered in such a small voice. He was the Armin you knew and loved, but right now he seemed so small. Smaller than your fading form. 

“You're not going to wake up,” he repeated, almost as if to tell himself the truth. “We’re not going to be able to drink coffee, and you won’t be able to laugh with Sasha and Connie again!” He cried, all composure breaking as tears finally cascaded down his cheeks. “I won’t be able to see your smile and I won’t be able to see you after this day because you’ll be gone,” he suddenly wrapped his arms around you in an embrace, your blood seeping into his white shirt. 

“You’ll be gone, [ Your Name ]. Forever.” He whimpered, and you could feel the dampness in your collar.

Somewhere in the midst of his talking you began to tear up as well, and you stared up at the ceiling. It didn’t feel like the rest of the cadets were there, even though they were silently watching the scene unfold, grief gripping their hearts as well as they watched the life slowly seep out of you. You caught your body swaying, struggling to keep balance as its fuel ran out, and you decided at that moment that there would be no other time than now.

You pushed on Armin’s shoulders as hard as you could, barely moving him. He leaned back in order for you to properly see his tear stained face, getting the message. He was a mess, and you were sure you didn’t look any better, but somehow you were able to find beauty in the way his eyes finally sparkled with such dense emotion. You sucked in a breath, doing your best to steady yourself.

“A-Armin, I-”

You were cut off by the feeling of chapped lips crashing onto your own, a shocked noise escaping you as your brain struggled to keep up with the stimulation.

It wasn’t the sweet soft kiss you had always fantasized having. It was desperate, sloppy and inexperienced. There was no deliberate teasing, no sultry lip biting like the kiss you had read in an erotica one time. This kiss felt more like a goodbye, a passionate and heart-felt goodbye.

You took one final gasp of air before returning the kiss, hands reaching up and entangling themselves into his soft strands of hair. You could barely keep up with the pace of the kiss, teeth accidentally clashing with his more than once as you two struggled to convey all of your emotions into just one physical act. 

You broke the kiss first, desperately trying to catch air as your hands slipped and landed limply at your sides. You couldn't muster up any more strength needed to speak, simply resting your forehead against Armin’s. You took a glance at his face, satisfaction warming you up at the sight of his erratic breathing and dilated pupils. 

Still, it wasn’t long until the cold finally started to seep in, your hands weakly trying to reach for his. He understood quickly, reaching for your hands, tenderly placing them on either side of his face as he leaned back. Placing a tender kiss on your chill palm, he looked at you with loving eyes. 

“I know. I’ve always known,” he whispered. 

You choked back a sob, body finally losing the strength to hold you up as you collapsed into Armin’s chest. He led your arms to rest on his waist before holding you tight, almost as if trying to keep you warm as the heat slipped from your body. 

The tears started flowing down your cheeks when you realized this would be the first and last time you would ever hold him like this. Finally. Finally after all the waiting and all the longing you were able to hold him like this. You didn't want this to be the last time.

“It’s alright,” he muttered, rubbing soothing circles into your back. You trembled underneath his touch, struggling to keep your eyes open. You didn’t want to die. Please, please, you didn’t want to die. You were so scared-

“Don’t be scared,” Armin hushed, placing a tender kiss to the top of your head. “Just close your eyes for five seconds, and I’ll see you in a few years,” he reassured, gulping as his voice threatened to crack with grief. “I promise.”

And almost as if on command, your body fell limp and your eyes finally fluttered to a soft close. You felt your breathing slow, and with a final sigh of defeat, you leaned into all the warmth Armin had to offer. Count to five and open your eyes, that’s what he told you.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two. 

One.

And when you finally opened your eyes again, you paused. Your gaze landed on the three familiar figures standing in the ocean, backs facing you. The waves crashed a few feet away, the dazzling blue reminding you of his eyes.


End file.
